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Are they implicitly or explicitly trying to gain power and control over you. I used to work as a domestic violence prevention educator.
I went into schools and community organizations to explain relationship dynamics, and I talked about everything from how to build a healthy relationship to how to improve unhealthy communication to how to spot an abusive partner. As you can imagine, I got a lot of questions and was privy to a lot of personal stories. Most of all, and heartbreakingly so, participants frequently asked, after listing out their partners behaviors, if I could tell them if they were abusive.
Solemnly, I would tell them, i cant answer that for you. But I have two things that I want you to think about to help you work it out for yourself. And I would ask them to reflect on two questions - is it a pattern something that happens over and over again, over time.
And are they doing it to gain power and control over you. That is, are they engaging in the actions that they are with the intention of changing your behavior. Are they accusing you of cheating when you shut your off to have dinner with your parents, with the intended outcome being that you always answering when they call.
Are they telling you that they dont like who you are when you hang out with your best friend and that theyd rather spend more time alone with you, with the intended outcome of your becoming socially dependent on them and them alone. Are they saying that their jealousy is just a flaw of theirs that youll have to learn to love, that they only get jealous because they love you, that their rage is your fault for not being sensitive to that, in hopes that youll stop hanging out with your ex.
Because when your partner manages to change your behavior when you find yourself increasingly changing your usual way of being in order to avoid conflict with your partner then they gain power and control over you.
And thats not exactly what I want to talk about today, although everyday feminism has plenty of resources available for that. Today, I want to talk about unhealthy relationships relationships that.
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